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What is the point anymore?
I thought that after my final exams were over, I'd have some time to breathe and relax. But next to studying for my resit, my mother now also keeps pushing me that I need a job as soon as possible. We recently got into some financial trouble because of things outside of our control, so we're kind of going broke, so I can't even go "I'll just take a breather for a month first.". A lot of people are going to be traveling the world and seeing new cultures after their finals, or just relaxing on holiday for a bit, but not me. I have to get a fucking job.
I've never had a job. I couldn't combine it with school, since that was so demanding of me that I'd immediately overwork myself or slack off at both. You could say I'm lucky that I never needed one when I was younger, but soon I will no longer be lucky. I'll have to get an entry level job. Spend hours a day just standing around, moving stuff in a store and scanning products. Do you know how much time that takes up of your life? And I won't be able to stop working until I'm way past my prime and my body's starting to give up on me. I didn't ask to be born, but I was, which is already horrible enough, but now I also have to be a fucking slave to the system. I need to work so I can afford anything beyond rent, food and bills. It's so fucked up. I don't think I'll ever forgive my parents for making me. Living is the worst curse imagineable. I can't wait until I'm nothing anymore. I'm starting to wonder more and more what the point of waiting even is. I mean, back in the day when I'd feel suicidal, there was at least the idea of "In the future things might be better, so you should wait for it.", but now the future's arrived and it's pretty much set for the remainder of my life. Spending your days having fun? Spending your days learning and exploring the world? No. Spend your days standing around, doing the same basic, boring tasks over and over until you have enough money to buy a shotgun to blow your brains out.
The only thing in the future I look forward to is getting to be together with my boyfriend, but even that can't cheer me up when I think about how we'll both be slaves to society and will need to spend a lot of our time working instead of enjoying each other's company. I'm not particularly worried about anything, because my meds have minimized my anxiety so much that I always just kind of go "This might as well happen." nowadays, but now I don't want to die because I'm stressed, but just because life doesn't seem worth it.
Oh well, I guess I'll go to sleep now. It's past 1 am at this point. Maybe I'll have a different outlook after sleeping.
I thought that after my final exams were over, I'd have some time to breathe and relax. But next to studying for my resit, my mother now also keeps pushing me that I need a job as soon as possible. We recently got into some financial trouble because of things outside of our control, so we're kind of going broke, so I can't even go "I'll just take a breather for a month first.". A lot of people are going to be traveling the world and seeing new cultures after their finals, or just relaxing on holiday for a bit, but not me. I have to get a fucking job.
I've never had a job. I couldn't combine it with school, since that was so demanding of me that I'd immediately overwork myself or slack off at both. You could say I'm lucky that I never needed one when I was younger, but soon I will no longer be lucky. I'll have to get an entry level job. Spend hours a day just standing around, moving stuff in a store and scanning products. Do you know how much time that takes up of your life? And I won't be able to stop working until I'm way past my prime and my body's starting to give up on me. I didn't ask to be born, but I was, which is already horrible enough, but now I also have to be a fucking slave to the system. I need to work so I can afford anything beyond rent, food and bills. It's so fucked up. I don't think I'll ever forgive my parents for making me. Living is the worst curse imagineable. I can't wait until I'm nothing anymore. I'm starting to wonder more and more what the point of waiting even is. I mean, back in the day when I'd feel suicidal, there was at least the idea of "In the future things might be better, so you should wait for it.", but now the future's arrived and it's pretty much set for the remainder of my life. Spending your days having fun? Spending your days learning and exploring the world? No. Spend your days standing around, doing the same basic, boring tasks over and over until you have enough money to buy a shotgun to blow your brains out.
The only thing in the future I look forward to is getting to be together with my boyfriend, but even that can't cheer me up when I think about how we'll both be slaves to society and will need to spend a lot of our time working instead of enjoying each other's company. I'm not particularly worried about anything, because my meds have minimized my anxiety so much that I always just kind of go "This might as well happen." nowadays, but now I don't want to die because I'm stressed, but just because life doesn't seem worth it.
Oh well, I guess I'll go to sleep now. It's past 1 am at this point. Maybe I'll have a different outlook after sleeping.
