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Okay, so I have quite some things to catch you all up on, but I'll just first talk about the shit that I'm in right now.

So last week, I had to hand in my final essay for one of my classes, and this week I'm supposed to have my oral defense of it. Everyone is either on Wednesday or Thursday. I went to my teacher early (start of last week or the week before) to ask if I could be on Wednesday, since my step-sister and I were making plans to go to a Halloween event at a theme park, and the Thursday would be the only day the two of us would be able to go there. My teacher said that's okay and that I'll be able to do it on Wednesday, so I, the fool that I was, assumed that he would put me in a time slot on Wednesday.

I check my school mail almost every day, but I figured that, since it's the end of the semester, I didn't have to check my email at the end of last week while I was busy with homework and would check it today, as I guessed the only thing that could come in was perhaps some more info on the exam I have tomorrow and my time for the essay defense, as it's exam week. Fucking dumbass that I was. Late Thursday afternoon, my teacher sent everyone who requested to be on Wednesday a link to reserve a time slot. He hadn't told me that we had to plan time slots ourselves before that email, so I completely missed it. I guessed maybe he had already planned me in, since he had assured me that I would be able to have my defense on Wednesday, but he told me that, nope, I just had to try to swap with someone with a Wednesday time slot and let him know if I could swap with someone. Really helpful advice when I don't have the names or email addresses of the people in my class!

So tomorrow I'll ask people at my test if they're in my class and on Wednesday and would be alright with swapping, but otherwise... well, I guess I'd have to have my oral defense in the fucking train, because I already made the plans and bought my ticket after my teacher assured me I could be on Wednesday. Motherfucker.

And of course my mother fully blames only me. That I should check my email every day. I'm not saying that's not true, but the guy could at least have given me a heads up that we still had to secure our slots and that his word then basically meant jackshit! But no, of course not, because if my mother could find a way to blame me for anything up to and including the fall of Lucifer, she fucking would. Also, I don't have my email on my phone, so even if I checked my mail every day, chances would've still been pretty big that people who are on their phone and laptop all day would have seen the notification earlier and taken all the spots. It's just so fucking unfair! If he would've told me that he couldn't secure a spot for me on Wednesday instead of LYING to me, then I probably would have cancelled the trip with my step-sister, because this is fucking messy. Now I'll probably have to do it on the fucking train. Fuck this teacher. Fuck you, dude. If you ever find this, fuck you for doing this.

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So last week, I didn't sleep on Wednesday night because I had so much homework left to do. Now it's Wedsnesday evening again and I still have about 70 pages of reading left before my 9 am class tomorrow. But you know what? That sounds like a problem for future me. More specifically, tomorrow morning me.

In better news, I saw today that the YouTube video I uploaded a few days ago sits at almost 100 views! My record is 640 views, but it's still way more than I usually get, so that's cool. No new subscribers, though. Oh well, slow and steady, right?

Uh, what else... Oh yeah! Tomorrow after class I want to go to this one clothing thrift store to see if I can find clothes for my Stu Macher (Scream) costume for Halloween (Ad is going to be Billy :]). I found a sweater on Primark's website that is almost identical, but those assholes don't sell online. How are you fast fashion and don't even sell online?! That chain is truly the worst of both worlds. I hope I can find something close to Stu's clothes soon. The Halloween party is in ten fucking days.

Still alive

Oct. 9th, 2025 12:44 am
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Uni life has been... something. My emotions seem to mostly cycle between being depressed, being exhausted, and feeling nothing because I'm too busy with homework to... feel. I've been wanting to update my social media, but I just haven't really had the time. I do have SOME free time, but that's mostly spent on meeting up with comrades or sleeping.

In case you're wondering why the Hell I'm updating my Dreamwidth at night in the middle of the week, it's because tonight I'm going to pull an all-nighter and sleep when I get back from my classes. Yeah, you heard that right. ME. NOT SLEEPING. I'm sure that'll go well... The latest I've ever gone to sleep is 9 am, I believe, so now I need to be able to push it to around 2 pm. :P It's not like I'm doing this for the fun of it. But I've been working on homework for about six hours today and I still have to watch a movie and read 40+ pages before tomorrow. And yes, that is after most of the homework for tomorrow has been finished already. I could go to bed for a shorter amount of time, but I know myself too well for that. I would barely or not at all have the strength to get out of bed when I'm still that tired, so skipping sleep somehow seems more logical. I think I'll take some 30-minute naps on the couch now and then, but that's fine because the couch isn't as warm and comfortable as my bed, so it'll be easier to get up again.

At least the movie I have to watch is one that I've been meaning to watch before I knew it was part of my homework. It's Dr. Strangelove from Stanley Kubrick. Kind of looking forward to watching the movie, but the thought that I should still read 40+ pages after that is haunting me. Oh well...

Also, we had to write essays and tomorrow we're going to peer review each other's. I'm sorry to the person who has to listen to my criticism and make sense of it after I haven't slept. :P

Okay, I should probably stop talking about sleeping, because it's making me sleepy. Just about thirteen more hours and then I can sleep so freaking long. It'll be awesome. B]

Bleh

Sep. 21st, 2025 08:35 pm
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Had to watch a really boring/annoying romcom movie for uni class, but at least it had a depressing ending. Good. Fuck your happy ending. At least the movie is over now. Still have to write about it, though... :P
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Today was the day I could drink a Monster again, and so I was pretty hyped despite having to be in class at 9 am. I basically took no notes and just doodled (shocker), but I did participate a lot in the discussion. Not too much going on. Then I had my second class and sat next to Julie again. She's pretty cool and has an awesome music taste. She's alternative and all. Found out she also still plays Pokémon GO, so I added her. Again didn't take a lot of notes in this seminar, but we watched two scenes from the Barbie movie and had to analyze them through the lens of feminism. Way cool, because that's my FAVORITE FUCKING MOVIE!!! So I was so hyped, lol. Then, after class, I gave my friendbook (I got one of those books that you let friends write in when you're in elementary school) to Yakumo (I think that's his name? I keep forgetting! Sorry, dude...). I kind of want to have all my classmates write in it because I'm fun like that. Then, when I walked back, there was a cycling road closed off and some pretty old guy still rode over it and the guy working on the road said that he couldn't cycle on there and this guy got PISSED. Like, he was yelling so hard at the road worker guy that spit was drooling on his chin. Fucking scary, dude. The road guy handled it well. Then, because I had energy left over from drinking Monster, I went into the city to get some more stuff for Allex' birthday. Actually bought more stuff for myself, but I now almost have everything I want to get Allex. I'm not going to spoil what I got here, just in case he'll read this.

That's all. Adios.

LOL

Sep. 12th, 2025 11:28 pm
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Few things on the internet are funnier than seeing nazis online have European flags in their bios, only to find out they're American posers. LOL! You're not European because your great grandparents moved from there, you retard. Would like to see people like this try to get into Europe.
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Damn, it's been over a month since I've written here? I also haven't been writing much in my journal, so the past few weeks kind of don't exist, but oh well.

I started uni. I fucking HATED the intro day because it seemed that university life was going to be the same as high school. And when you're in a pretty small study, it kind of is. You have the nerds, the jocks, and me. But people are slightly more chill. None of them seem like they'd bully me. I mean, they're to hungover to anyway. And there's three people in my classes that I kind of like. One of them is this alternative girl. She has seen Nine Inch Nails live, how the Hell could I not find her cool?! And then there's this guy who's Spanish-Colombian who is also not much into drinking and partying, and there's this guy from Germany who has, in the span of two days, complimented me on my Walkman, my flip-phone, and the doodles I've made in class. He's really nice.

But yeah, just had my first week of classes and it's pretty fun. I spent probably half of my classes doodling, though, LOL. I'm doing American Studies, by the way. History, politics, culture, etc. Main focus is the U.S., but we also talk a bit about Canada and Latin America, I think? Either way, it's been pretty interesting so far. Soon we're going to watch a romcom with George Clooney for one of my classes and then we have to write an essay about what it says about Karl Marx' views on the subject of working. Kind of insane, but also really funny. I like my teachers a lot.

What else...

Oh yeah, Charlie Kirk got murdered live on stage. LOL, L bozo. Feel free to mourn him, if that's your thing, but I don't really care. If anything, it's poetic, as he has said that some people will have to die so Americans can have guns available to them. It's come full circle. Kind of beautiful.

Also, Russia is testing NATO. Very much not cool. If Putin is a reader of my blog: Mr. Putin, just stop.

My brain is kind of fried right now, but I think those are the most pressing things I have to say right now.

Adios.

Okay.

Aug. 4th, 2025 04:23 pm
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There's very little that annoys me more than people arguing with me because they don't believe that I can know stuff and they can't fathom that they might just be wrong about something for once. Some people's egos are so big that if they could clone themselves, they would just to suck their own dick.
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You seriously can't let Yori alone outside for just a couple of minutes or Jesus will find His way to them. Today, Sam and I went into an office store to find them a planner for the coming school year and we chatted a bit with the store owner, and Yori was just going to sit on a bench outside by themselves, but then when we came out, two people were standing next to Yori. Turns out the two of them were Christian missionaries trying to spread the word of Christ. One of the two was a local, but the other guy came all the way from ENGLAND. Foreign missionary program. Pretty wild stuff. The guy asked if we knew who Jesus is, and told us about Jesus came to him and helped him get over his porn addiction and suicidal thoughts. He prayed for Yori's knee, which has been hurting, but so far God hasn't gotten around to that request yet. Oh well. We appreciate the gesture, Brad.

Hm...

Jul. 11th, 2025 07:33 pm
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Was depressed, so I took a three and a half hour nap and slept away the whole afternoon, but then now what do I do with the evening and night? The kind of questions you have to ask when you're me...

R3M1X

Jul. 9th, 2025 02:49 pm
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I was listening to a Radiohead CD with my window open and I can conclude that My Iron Lung combined with a siren coming from the police/an ambulance/firefighters/whatever makes for a pretty sick remix.
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I'm really starting to get somewhere with the song I've started working on, and I've started writing lyrics. The ArtFight theme also just dropped. It's Fossils vs. Crystals. I think I'll pick Fossils, but I'm not sure yet. I'm not completely ready for ArtFight yet, but I'll get there before July. Aside from that, I have quite some things planned next week, but nothing to really write about yet now. Maybe later. Adios.
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I was already trying to process what Adrian said to me earlier and then I see someone in the groupchat having a barbecue, so I jokingly ask if I can have some, and then another person tells me to come over. Apparently there's a whole barabecue party going on. I said I would've come, had I been invited earlier, but now my mother is counting on me for dinner already. One person told me to tell my mother "fuck you" and go anyway. How about you just invite me earlier rather than when the party's already started? I was already having FOMO and then they also started making fun of me for not being there. I fucking hate them. I fucking hate everyone. Fuck you. Fuck you for not inviting me.

Updatez

Jun. 10th, 2025 07:34 pm
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Yori's birthday party was yesterday and it was fun. I stood behind the "bar" (a table on the side of the sitting area) and mixed everyone's drinks. I refuse to mix what people ask me to, but most people like my concoctions, so they're fine with it. Got dubbed "the best bartender on this side of the galaxy". Also made most drinks without alcohol, or only added a little bit if they did want alcohol, so most people weren't very drunk. Just about everyone could still stand at the end of the evening! That's got to be a new record, lol.

I also got belated birthday gifts from Will. He gave me a really cool drawing of Slenderman and a Hot Wheels of Kylo Ren's spaceship, so that's pretty cool. Also nice to finally meet the guy. Didn't really get to talk to him, though. Maybe some other time.

Last night I slept just over 12 hours again, because of course, why not? And now I've been awake for about six hours and I'm tired again, LOL. What a surprise.

At least I did get some things done today. I took a shower, which was nice because everything I had with me to the party yesterday smelled like the campfire we had. I hung my backpack in front of an open window for a few hours, but it still smells the same. :P In better news, though, when I was going to water my pot with pumpkin seeds, I saw one of them started sprouting! Hell yeah. And I'm also almost done with a drawing of my OC that I'm going to upload to ArtFight. I still need to update my account, so I'm trying to work on that this month so that it's ready for July.

In other news, what do you guys think of the new Fortnite season? I don't like the Battle Passes, but I do like the gameplay, so I guess that's fine.

Okay, that's all I have for now, I think. Adios.
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First of all, apparently Trump and Musk broke up in a messy divorce and now they're going wild against each other on Twitter. Don't have a lot of info yet, but still exciting and funny.
 
And in other, perhaps even funnier news, it just got revealed that the new Black Panther in the MCU is going to be WHITE?! Yeah, I'm not kidding. I thought it was a joke, but apparently Sky News Australia reported on it already, so I'm guessing it probably has some credibility. A Black Panther with blond hair and blue eyes. What's he going to fight? "White genocide"? Maybe he should team up with Musk now Musk's done sucking Trump's dick, LOL.

In other news, the Dutch cabinet fell and we'll have new elections soon, LOL. Good job, right-wingers.
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I watched five episodes of American Horror Story yesterday, which is cool, but today I want to do something a bit more productive. I don't know if I want to study American history or if I want to do some exams my comrades recently had to do, but I want to use my brain again. Maybe draw a bit to use my hands as well. I can't stand sitting around on my ass doing nothing productive anymore nowadays.
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Went to the city to get new walking shoes. Found some Landrover walking shoes that I like, but they're not as comfortable as my Mountain Peak walking shoes. But the soles of those is letting go, so I first need to glue those back together again. Also bought a Yu-Gi-Oh! box. It was way on sale right now and it is a kind of starter deck thing, so I think I can play the game with it. So that seems fun.

Also already went for a walk with my new shoes. Allex and I went for a walk in the forest. On my way back, I came across one of those book exchange boxes next to the road, and I saw that there were also four rows of stickers. I got the Hello Kitty one because one of the three has a o.o face, and I found that pretty funny. Put that one on my laptop. Tuesday wanted to have the other two and I guess that's alright with me, because I have no idea where I'd even put them, and I got them for free anyway.

But yeah, pretty chill day. Just sitting at my desk now and listening to the rain.

Chill day

May. 27th, 2025 12:04 pm
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So the windows guy did everything he needed to do in my room, so I finally don't have to keep that in mind anymore. I woke up early and I'm still quite tired, but I'm just chilling. No clue what I want to do today. Maybe I'll go hang out with some friends. Maybe I'll draw some more. I don't know.

I'm tired

May. 26th, 2025 09:21 pm
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After I broke up with Ad, he blocked me, but after a while he unblocked me and we talked it out. I was very obsessively thinking about suicide, but I guess that calmed down a bit after Ad asked me to please not do it. I didn't want to hurt him even more by dying. But that numbness I was talking about in my last post? Yeah, that didn't last long. I cried so hard. I can barely ever cry anymore, but fuck, I was going through it. Still had chores to do before mother came home, but my eyes were so irritated from crying that I just put clean sheets on my bed and decided to lie down and close my eyes. Of course, when mother came home, I woke up to yelling about me not having done the chores and me sleeping at that hour and how I never do anything in the house. I don't even reply to it anymore. It's not like she's going to stop being delusional about that if I tell her about all the times I do just do my chores. I told her I broke up with Ad and she went immediately from angry to kind of quiet and soft. I hate it when she does that. She always just yells at me before even hearing my side. But oh well. She mostly stopped bothering me after that, but she did say she thought it was sad for Ad and I was like "Yeah, I agree.". What the fuck do you want me to say to that? God, she always makes everything worse. But I think Ad and I are on good terms again, and we're still best friends.

I need to wake up early tomorrow for the windows man and I am quite tired from the crying and stuff, so I'm going to brush my teeth and get some good old SLEEP.
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Dating is evil and I'm an asshole for trying it again. I broke up with Adrian, and now I hurt his feelings. I feel like I set him up for this. Not because I intended to hurt him. I just got intoxicated by the idea of being fully committed to someone again, and actually being loved, but reality of course didn't meet the fairytale expectations. The more love he gave me, the more I started questioning my own feelings, and feeling guilty for not loving him enough. He honestly really deserves someone who loves him more than I love him. I just hoped so hard that I had finally found the one, and that I could make him happy, but I couldn't, and I think that made both of us unhappy. I really want to stay in contact with him, but I have no idea if he wants that himself. After I told him, he immediately turned his phone off. I'm worried about him, but most of all, I'm surprisingly numb. I'm sad, but I'm numb. It's the pills. It's the fucking pills, man. But I'm still sad. I let Adrian down. I hurt him. Which is the one thing I wanted to not do. Guess a tiger can't change it's stripes.
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