WiNTERiZER's Words of Wisdom

Was depressed, so I took a three and a half hour nap and slept away the whole afternoon, but then now what do I do with the evening and night? The kind of questions you have to ask when you're me...

I'm really starting to get somewhere with the song I've started working on, and I've started writing lyrics. The ArtFight theme also just dropped. It's Fossils vs. Crystals. I think I'll pick Fossils, but I'm not sure yet. I'm not completely ready for ArtFight yet, but I'll get there before July. Aside from that, I have quite some things planned next week, but nothing to really write about yet now. Maybe later. Adios.

Yori's birthday party was yesterday and it was fun. I stood behind the "bar" (a table on the side of the sitting area) and mixed everyone's drinks. I refuse to mix what people ask me to, but most people like my concoctions, so they're fine with it. Got dubbed "the best bartender on this side of the galaxy". Also made most drinks without alcohol, or only added a little bit if they did want alcohol, so most people weren't very drunk. Just about everyone could still stand at the end of the evening! That's got to be a new record, lol.

I also got belated birthday gifts from Will. He gave me a really cool drawing of Slenderman and a Hot Wheels of Kylo Ren's spaceship, so that's pretty cool. Also nice to finally meet the guy. Didn't really get to talk to him, though. Maybe some other time.

Last night I slept just over 12 hours again, because of course, why not? And now I've been awake for about six hours and I'm tired again, LOL. What a surprise.

At least I did get some things done today. I took a shower, which was nice because everything I had with me to the party yesterday smelled like the campfire we had. I hung my backpack in front of an open window for a few hours, but it still smells the same. :P In better news, though, when I was going to water my pot with pumpkin seeds, I saw one of them started sprouting! Hell yeah. And I'm also almost done with a drawing of my OC that I'm going to upload to ArtFight. I still need to update my account, so I'm trying to work on that this month so that it's ready for July.

In other news, what do you guys think of the new Fortnite season? I don't like the Battle Passes, but I do like the gameplay, so I guess that's fine.

Okay, that's all I have for now, I think. Adios.

I watched five episodes of American Horror Story yesterday, which is cool, but today I want to do something a bit more productive. I don't know if I want to study American history or if I want to do some exams my comrades recently had to do, but I want to use my brain again. Maybe draw a bit to use my hands as well. I can't stand sitting around on my ass doing nothing productive anymore nowadays.

So the windows guy did everything he needed to do in my room, so I finally don't have to keep that in mind anymore. I woke up early and I'm still quite tired, but I'm just chilling. No clue what I want to do today. Maybe I'll go hang out with some friends. Maybe I'll draw some more. I don't know.

Dating is evil and I'm an asshole for trying it again. I broke up with Adrian, and now I hurt his feelings. I feel like I set him up for this. Not because I intended to hurt him. I just got intoxicated by the idea of being fully committed to someone again, and actually being loved, but reality of course didn't meet the fairytale expectations. The more love he gave me, the more I started questioning my own feelings, and feeling guilty for not loving him enough. He honestly really deserves someone who loves him more than I love him. I just hoped so hard that I had finally found the one, and that I could make him happy, but I couldn't, and I think that made both of us unhappy. I really want to stay in contact with him, but I have no idea if he wants that himself. After I told him, he immediately turned his phone off. I'm worried about him, but most of all, I'm surprisingly numb. I'm sad, but I'm numb. It's the pills. It's the fucking pills, man. But I'm still sad. I let Adrian down. I hurt him. Which is the one thing I wanted to not do. Guess a tiger can't change it's stripes.

Starting to get a bit tired, though. Maybe I'll go nap for a bit on the couch. Anyway, new YouTube video dropping in a few minutes, for those interested.

The party yesterday was quite nice. I got a buzzcut last week or so, so my hair is very short, and now people keep petting me. But you know what? It feels nice, so a win is a win, I guess, LOL. I was quite wrecked after this week, though, which manifested itself into me sleeping until 5 pm. Yes, you read that right. 5 in the afternoon. I went to bed around 12:30 am or so, so I got fourteen and a half hours of sleep, approximately. I did wake up a few times, but today I could finally sleep in again, and I had a headache. Often, when I have a headache, sleeping more gets rid of it, but unfortunately not this time, so I kept sleeping until I had just woken up from a dream about me waking up and it being evening already, so I decided to check the time, and it turns out reality wasn't far off.

I still have a headache, but I also still have a Monster Energy left, so I think I'll drink that in a bit and hope that makes it a bit easier. I think I'm going to attempt to pull an all-nighter for the first time tonight, because I think the only way to fix my sleeping schedule now is to just stay up and go to bed early tomorrow evening. God, wish me luck... LOL!

For now, I don't really know what to do. Played Fortnite for a bit, but that's just kind of boring, and I also still have that headache, so I don't know what's smart to do, since I'm not really in the mood for anything that involves sound or bright screens. And no, I'm also not in the mood to read. Oh well, maybe I'll just watch some YouTube with my brightness down and crack open my Monster after dinner. It feels weird for it to almost be 9 pm and only having been awake for four hours.

Therapy today went fine. I was quite tired, though, and I think it showed. After that, I hung out with Sam and Yori. But they want to go on a thrift store tour and I don't feel like going to a lot of them today, plus I shouldn't really buy more stuff. I went to one today to meet them there and ended up already buying things again. They wanted to go to some thrift stores further away, but I was walking instead of cycling, so I just went home instead. And now I am here. In my room. Alone. Tired. Lonely, I guess. I don't know. I like meeting up with people (SOMETIMES), but afterwards I just feel hollow and like shit. I don't know what I want with my life. If I'm alone for long, I get lonely, but if I meet up with people, I no longer feel a lot of satisfaction. Maybe I was just born to be lonely and suffering.

It's all just too fucking much. The window guy still needs to be in my room for a little bit, but he probably won't do so before next Tuesday. Meaning I still can't really start cleaning up again. It's all just so much. I just don't know how to deal with this. At least he left early today and won't come in tomorrow either, so that's kind of a fucking relief, but only slightly. I'd rather just he finish it quicker since I'm falling apart already anyway. But now I can at least shower, so that's something. I have clothes for today ready, so I think I'll go out for a while today. But I will need to make space in front of my closet before tomorrow, so that I can access my clothes. But I can't park stuff in front of my window for now because the guy still needs to access it. And I told mother that maybe we should wait with rearranging my furniture and just first put everything back, since this is sucking all the energy and joy out of me already, but she doesn't want that. But she also doesn't want us to immediately start. So what, I'll be sitting in the chaos for weeks to come? This isn't what I prepared for. This isn't what I was told. I'm not ready for this and I'm so fucking over it. I just want to be able to access my closet and couch and desk again but everything has gone to shit because of those stupid fucking windows and I don't know how to cope. The anti-depressants can't fix this. I am so overwhelmed and overstimulated and I barely have any privacy and I just want to retreat into the void and disappear.