And in other, perhaps even funnier news, it just got revealed that the new Black Panther in the MCU is going to be WHITE?! Yeah, I'm not kidding. I thought it was a joke, but apparently Sky News Australia reported on it already, so I'm guessing it probably has some credibility. A Black Panther with blond hair and blue eyes. What's he going to fight? "White genocide"? Maybe he should team up with Musk now Musk's done sucking Trump's dick, LOL.

In other news, the Dutch cabinet fell and we'll have new elections soon, LOL. Good job, right-wingers.

Went to the city to get new walking shoes. Found some Landrover walking shoes that I like, but they're not as comfortable as my Mountain Peak walking shoes. But the soles of those is letting go, so I first need to glue those back together again. Also bought a Yu-Gi-Oh! box. It was way on sale right now and it is a kind of starter deck thing, so I think I can play the game with it. So that seems fun.

Also already went for a walk with my new shoes. Allex and I went for a walk in the forest. On my way back, I came across one of those book exchange boxes next to the road, and I saw that there were also four rows of stickers. I got the Hello Kitty one because one of the three has a o.o face, and I found that pretty funny. Put that one on my laptop. Tuesday wanted to have the other two and I guess that's alright with me, because I have no idea where I'd even put them, and I got them for free anyway.

But yeah, pretty chill day. Just sitting at my desk now and listening to the rain.

After I broke up with Ad, he blocked me, but after a while he unblocked me and we talked it out. I was very obsessively thinking about suicide, but I guess that calmed down a bit after Ad asked me to please not do it. I didn't want to hurt him even more by dying. But that numbness I was talking about in my last post? Yeah, that didn't last long. I cried so hard. I can barely ever cry anymore, but fuck, I was going through it. Still had chores to do before mother came home, but my eyes were so irritated from crying that I just put clean sheets on my bed and decided to lie down and close my eyes. Of course, when mother came home, I woke up to yelling about me not having done the chores and me sleeping at that hour and how I never do anything in the house. I don't even reply to it anymore. It's not like she's going to stop being delusional about that if I tell her about all the times I do just do my chores. I told her I broke up with Ad and she went immediately from angry to kind of quiet and soft. I hate it when she does that. She always just yells at me before even hearing my side. But oh well. She mostly stopped bothering me after that, but she did say she thought it was sad for Ad and I was like "Yeah, I agree.". What the fuck do you want me to say to that? God, she always makes everything worse. But I think Ad and I are on good terms again, and we're still best friends.

I need to wake up early tomorrow for the windows man and I am quite tired from the crying and stuff, so I'm going to brush my teeth and get some good old SLEEP.

Slept on the couch for about two and a half hours and just had lunch and I think my body is starting to correct itself and understanding that it is now afternoon, haha. Good sign.

And surprisingly not even that tired yet. Just watched a movie, I Want To Be A Soldier, and it was pretty decent. It's just past 3 am and I don't have a lot to do right now, so I think I'm just going to put my recent movie reviews on Letterboxd (same username, if you want to check it out) and then maybe continue with my new digital drawing. I really hope tonight fixes my sleeping schedule. I think I'd like to move toward a sleeping schedule where I wake up around 4 am again.

The remainder of yesterday was quite nice. Spent it drawing alone in my room. Finished the art trade with Aafke I got started on in March, finally. I went to bed late to finish it, thinking I could just sleep in. Well, sike, because my neighbor started breaking down something in his yard around 7:20 am (on a Saturday). I'm tired, but I have a party today, so I also don't want to just go back to sleep and then immediately go to a party when I wake up again. So good luck to me with staying awake today, LOL. I think I'm going to draw some more now. It's been really relaxing to do digital art again. It's nice to keep switching between digital and traditional to keep things fresh.

I showered, made room to sit at my desk again, and made my closet accessible (though it is quite the parkour). My room is still a big fat mess, but at least I now I can access just about everything again. Even if everything is in different places now. :P But I'm a bit more calm. Still unfortunate I can't sit on my couch right now, and I'm really not looking forward to having to rearrange everything in my room so I can open my window all the way, but for now, this suffices. My room has been messy for so long, so while it sucks that it's more messy again, I can definitely deal with it some more. I also still need to clean up the dust that came out of the wall with the shelf, but that sounds like a problem for future me. :P Time to sleep now and then I only have to worry about going to my psychologist appointment tomorrow morning. Wait, where did I put my planner...? Oh well, I'll find it back... It's gotta be SOMEWHERE in this room.

The windows have been put in.There still needs to be something happening in my room to get rid of the draught, since there's still a few spots around the window not covered by the wall. But good start, I suppose.

My mother and grandmother and I have decided that, now that my room is such a complete mess again anyway, I might as well rearrange my furniture, because my loft bed is in front of the window that can open now, so that means that I can barely open my window. It's going to take a lot of time and effort to do, but I did map out a plan of a more logical interior design. Do still need to do the measurements to see how it'll all play out, though. Not going to eye it and then find out things don't fit halfway through. But I guess I'm kind of excited. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm also completely dreading it, but I think that eventually my room will be much nicer for it.

Tonight was atrocious. After dinner, I went upstairs to move some shit to make space. I had a few shoeboxes of DVDs and VHS-tapes on my floor, but along one wall of my room I had (foreshadowing) two shelves for movies. One side started to kind of dip down, so I tried to put the stuff on carefully so the thing wouldn't break. At that point, only one pile of discs had fallen off so far, and that was already really shit. I have so much stuff along that wall underneath it. So I tried my best to not make that happen again.

And boom.

All the upper screws came loose, and EVERYTHING was thrown on the ground. I was extremely lucky that I had put most fragile stuff off already, and I also took my big knife, which was lying ABOVE MY TV, off earlier that evening. Thank fucking God, otherwise I'd probably not have a TV anymore.

But yeah, since it was mostly DVDs, Blu-Rays and VHS-tapes, the other things that fell also landed pretty soft, so only two things broke, and neither were items I was really passionate about. Could've been way more catastrophic. But now my entire room was full of cases. I literally couldn't stand on the floor. I was on my desk chair when it happened and around me was a sea of DVDs, so I couldn't put my feet down. My mother helped me clean it up, but of course not without partially blaming me for putting too much stuff on the shelves.

I put the media in boxes and piled them up in my mother's room for now. But then everything else that was blocking the way still had to be moved. My bookcase, bed and couch had to be moved, and so did all the items in the way of the path, or near the window. This took quite a while, since I had mostly placed stuff there with the understanding that the window guy didn't need to go into my room. So I had to move everything away. I decided to take out clothes for two days, and then pile stuff up in front of my clothes closet door. It's now completely inaccessible.

And now I just look at my room. Dust everywhere, on everything. Nothing sorted anymore. Everything piled up again. All the work that went into cleaning my room over the past few weeks (which is quite a lot and has taken me hours upon hours) has been undone in one evening.

I want to cry. I really do. The pills won't let me, though. But God, I'm so upset. I'm not really stressed or worried much, because I can't feel that on my medication, but there is this overarching feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. All the hard work I did, which only felt worth it because of the result that has now been undone, felt like a waste. What's the point of doing anything if it just comes undone just as you were starting to feel good and comfortable about it? I want to cry and I want to die. But I feel too depressed and numb. I want to self-harm, but I feel too depressed and numb. It feels like nothing has meaning anymore.

On top of that, the windows guy also keeps breaking shit and not telling us and it's annoying as fuck.

I'm so over this. I'm so, so over this. I hope I can cry soon. I hate this. Maybe I should quit my meds to really feel something again.

Also, I really want to shower, but the windows guy isn't done with the bathroom window yet, so I can't. And I probably need a fucking week to recover from this, but I don't HAVE a fucking week because I only got clothes for two days in advance because I didn't think my closet would be this inaccessible.

It's too much. It's all too much. I'm going to sleep now or, if I get lucky, cry really hard.