I'm so fucking over this

I've been so busy lately, and today it seemed like I finally had free time to rest up again. Of course fucking not.

So the guy came over and he pulled out the windows and that whole outer layer of that side of the house. But he didn't have the time to place new windows or anything, so my room and the bathroom didn't have windows. He put something in front of the whole thing, so there weren't just big gaping holes, but it was still much colder in those rooms. But fair enough, I put on a sweater in bed, so I wasn't really cold. But still, I was looking forward to this whole thing to be over again and for me to have fucking windows again.

So today the guy is here again. He just placed the bathroom window, but he's not doing my windows today. Kind of annoying, but oh well. But then I hear that he needs to go into my room when placing the windows. He had previously told my mother that that wouldn't be necessary. I asked her to ask again in advance to be sure, because my loft bed and couch are right next to my window and it would be useful to know that while cleaning, so that I don't put stuff in front of my window and move my bed and couch while I'm at it anyway. But no, my mother told me "I'll just hear about it when he's here." Real fucking convenient when you're not the one who has to clean up. So I just kept stuff this way and now today I hear that this guy needs to be in my room. Probably by tomorrow. So I need to fucking clean AGAIN and redo work I have already done because that bitch and him didn't think it necessary to tell me.

I am literally fucking shaking with rage. I am so over this. The pills won't let me be very stressed, but they don't stop me from wanting to rip someone's head off. I hate this week. Fuck. You. Fuck. Off.

Bit calmer

I went out to see some comrades and take a walk in the woods. It calmed me down, but I am quite tired now. But there's no rest for the wicked, I suppose, because now I have to start moving stuff around in my room. At least I have a general idea now of how I want to do this, so I'm just going to get that done and hope I can still sleep a bit tonight. Wish me luck...

I want to die

Tonight was atrocious. After dinner, I went upstairs to move some shit to make space. I had a few shoeboxes of DVDs and VHS-tapes on my floor, but along one wall of my room I had (foreshadowing) two shelves for movies. One side started to kind of dip down, so I tried to put the stuff on carefully so the thing wouldn't break. At that point, only one pile of discs had fallen off so far, and that was already really shit. I have so much stuff along that wall underneath it. So I tried my best to not make that happen again.

And boom.

All the upper screws came loose, and EVERYTHING was thrown on the ground. I was extremely lucky that I had put most fragile stuff off already, and I also took my big knife, which was lying ABOVE MY TV, off earlier that evening. Thank fucking God, otherwise I'd probably not have a TV anymore.

But yeah, since it was mostly DVDs, Blu-Rays and VHS-tapes, the other things that fell also landed pretty soft, so only two things broke, and neither were items I was really passionate about. Could've been way more catastrophic. But now my entire room was full of cases. I literally couldn't stand on the floor. I was on my desk chair when it happened and around me was a sea of DVDs, so I couldn't put my feet down. My mother helped me clean it up, but of course not without partially blaming me for putting too much stuff on the shelves.

I put the media in boxes and piled them up in my mother's room for now. But then everything else that was blocking the way still had to be moved. My bookcase, bed and couch had to be moved, and so did all the items in the way of the path, or near the window. This took quite a while, since I had mostly placed stuff there with the understanding that the window guy didn't need to go into my room. So I had to move everything away. I decided to take out clothes for two days, and then pile stuff up in front of my clothes closet door. It's now completely inaccessible.

And now I just look at my room. Dust everywhere, on everything. Nothing sorted anymore. Everything piled up again. All the work that went into cleaning my room over the past few weeks (which is quite a lot and has taken me hours upon hours) has been undone in one evening.

I want to cry. I really do. The pills won't let me, though. But God, I'm so upset. I'm not really stressed or worried much, because I can't feel that on my medication, but there is this overarching feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. All the hard work I did, which only felt worth it because of the result that has now been undone, felt like a waste. What's the point of doing anything if it just comes undone just as you were starting to feel good and comfortable about it? I want to cry and I want to die. But I feel too depressed and numb. I want to self-harm, but I feel too depressed and numb. It feels like nothing has meaning anymore.

On top of that, the windows guy also keeps breaking shit and not telling us and it's annoying as fuck.

I'm so over this. I'm so, so over this. I hope I can cry soon. I hate this. Maybe I should quit my meds to really feel something again.

Also, I really want to shower, but the windows guy isn't done with the bathroom window yet, so I can't. And I probably need a fucking week to recover from this, but I don't HAVE a fucking week because I only got clothes for two days in advance because I didn't think my closet would be this inaccessible.

It's too much. It's all too much. I'm going to sleep now or, if I get lucky, cry really hard.