...

The three of them morph together in my mind sometimes. There's almost something scary about it. I think about him, but then in my mind I call him their names on accident. The names haunt my brain. Eddie and Evan. Of course, Eddie isn't someone you're supposed to miss. He was quite the asshole to me sometimes, but Ev... Evan is someone I can't remember well anymore, and yet he reminds me of him. Of course, I'd never have met him if Ev didn't just... disappear. Nothing is lost that hasn't been gained, maybe even twice as much. And yet... the fact that Ed left and blocked me and Ev just disappeared... I've never had closure. And I don't think about them as much as before, but sometimes I remember them, and I'm filled with a longing sadness. And why? I don't know exactly. Hell, after all these years I even still think about Jewel every now and then. I wonder, and maybe even worry about him. But I think that, in the end, it was Evan that broke me. I think he might be part of the reason why things feel different now. Why my feelings have been all messed up. Why I can't trust anyone anymore. Eddie leaving broke me deeply, but at least I was able to hate him a bit. Evan just disappeared overnight. Never returned. He said he was my best friend. And what I have now... it's so different. He's different. But he just reminds me a lot of Evan. A new Evan. A next Evan. And that's what I'm afraid of. Or maybe I just feel so weird about things because he IS different. I've never had anyone like him. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. I'm tired.