Still awake

And surprisingly not even that tired yet. Just watched a movie, I Want To Be A Soldier, and it was pretty decent. It's just past 3 am and I don't have a lot to do right now, so I think I'm just going to put my recent movie reviews on Letterboxd (same username, if you want to check it out) and then maybe continue with my new digital drawing. I really hope tonight fixes my sleeping schedule. I think I'd like to move toward a sleeping schedule where I wake up around 4 am again.

Still haven't slept

Starting to get a bit tired, though. Maybe I'll go nap for a bit on the couch. Anyway, new YouTube video dropping in a few minutes, for those interested.

Update

Slept on the couch for about two and a half hours and just had lunch and I think my body is starting to correct itself and understanding that it is now afternoon, haha. Good sign.

AITA? IATA.

Dating is evil and I'm an asshole for trying it again. I broke up with Adrian, and now I hurt his feelings. I feel like I set him up for this. Not because I intended to hurt him. I just got intoxicated by the idea of being fully committed to someone again, and actually being loved, but reality of course didn't meet the fairytale expectations. The more love he gave me, the more I started questioning my own feelings, and feeling guilty for not loving him enough. He honestly really deserves someone who loves him more than I love him. I just hoped so hard that I had finally found the one, and that I could make him happy, but I couldn't, and I think that made both of us unhappy. I really want to stay in contact with him, but I have no idea if he wants that himself. After I told him, he immediately turned his phone off. I'm worried about him, but most of all, I'm surprisingly numb. I'm sad, but I'm numb. It's the pills. It's the fucking pills, man. But I'm still sad. I let Adrian down. I hurt him. Which is the one thing I wanted to not do. Guess a tiger can't change it's stripes.

I'm tired

After I broke up with Ad, he blocked me, but after a while he unblocked me and we talked it out. I was very obsessively thinking about suicide, but I guess that calmed down a bit after Ad asked me to please not do it. I didn't want to hurt him even more by dying. But that numbness I was talking about in my last post? Yeah, that didn't last long. I cried so hard. I can barely ever cry anymore, but fuck, I was going through it. Still had chores to do before mother came home, but my eyes were so irritated from crying that I just put clean sheets on my bed and decided to lie down and close my eyes. Of course, when mother came home, I woke up to yelling about me not having done the chores and me sleeping at that hour and how I never do anything in the house. I don't even reply to it anymore. It's not like she's going to stop being delusional about that if I tell her about all the times I do just do my chores. I told her I broke up with Ad and she went immediately from angry to kind of quiet and soft. I hate it when she does that. She always just yells at me before even hearing my side. But oh well. She mostly stopped bothering me after that, but she did say she thought it was sad for Ad and I was like "Yeah, I agree.". What the fuck do you want me to say to that? God, she always makes everything worse. But I think Ad and I are on good terms again, and we're still best friends.

I need to wake up early tomorrow for the windows man and I am quite tired from the crying and stuff, so I'm going to brush my teeth and get some good old SLEEP.